Dear Sir or Ma’am at Under Armour:
I am writing to you to express my complete dissatisfaction with your product. I have watched your commercials over the years and have been led to believe that your products are designed for the most intensive athletic experiences. Alas, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
First, I must establish context for you so that you may understand the degree to which your product’s failure impacted my life. In the past two years, I have lost over 30 pounds and I have maintained a vigorous exercise program which includes, but is not limited to, daily gym visits before work. That’s right - I have been getting up at 5 a.m. each day to go to the gym. Further, I have been working two jobs and have just finished graduate school. Due to financial constraints, these gym visits have featured a Champion sports bra, which I purchased in 2006. It was a fantastic sports bra and I would have bought it again if they still made it.
I knew it was time for a new sports bra about a year ago, when the stitching began to tear, but I couldn’t afford to buy a good one. Then, last week, I got a new job. Finally - I could afford Under Armour, what I had believed to be the best of the best in sportswear. I spent 50 dollars, no small amount given my budget, and was excited at the prospect of a more secure workout experience.
Today I got onto the elliptical machine for my regular workout, feeling particularly edgy after a very hard day. I needed a good workout to clear my head, and I was glad that I had the protection of Under Armour’s caliber. I began my workout.
A mere one minute and thirty seven seconds later my workout was over. My upper region was no longer restrained; the zipper gave way and the other gym members stared as this athletic wardrobe malfunction dishonored Under Armour’s name for all to see.
My shame is only exceeded by my boiling fury.
I am not a small chested athlete; I wore an XXL. I have seen larger-breasted women more supported in their athletic endeavors. So what have they done? Do they have custom-made Kevlar vest molds for their breasts? One thing is for sure: they aren’t wearing Under Armour.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. There are athletes of all shapes and sizes. We thought we had your support.
She who shall not be named